I had to show compassion to myself and my husband. We both get to the places we need to be we are both successful at our jobs. I wanted to say my way is right, my way is better.
I had to stop and take control of my thoughts and my emotions. These scenarios and stories did not bring me peace.
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The story I was telling myself about being late was full of many “what if’s” and worst-case scenarios. I recognized feelings of hurt, anger, fear, and frustration and labeled them. While my husband was in the shower, I had a few minutes to be curious and sit without judgment. I had to stop and pause so I could think. The familiar response or pathway in my brain, that I have used for so long, fired up in nothing flat. When my husband told me at 9:45 he wanted to take a shower before we left, I went into panic mode, and the emotions came flooding out with nasty words and harshness. He literally counts his minutes, and if he has tracked it to be a ten-minute drive, he is only going to give himself ten minutes. He does not like to sit at the airport, he would prefer to time it just right so he almost walks on the plane. He feels he works best under pressure and will never start an assignment for work or school early, because he feels he does better work at the last minute. My husband is the exact opposite. He believes that getting somewhere early is a waste of time. My primitive brain is definitely in fight-or-flight mode and is working out of fear, overwhelm, and frustration. When I feel like I am going to be late, my chest gets tight, I get sick to my stomach, my respiratory and heart rates increase, and I can get really nasty to my loved ones if I feel they are making me late. I arrive at work early. If I am meeting a friend for lunch, I get there a little early. I turn in assignments for work or school early. If it is my choice, I am going to arrive at least fifteen minutes early. I really hate to be late for things, it actually makes me feel physically ill. I automatically got that panicky feeling and started yelling at him. At 9:45 I was ready to go, and my husband still wanted to take a shower. My husband and I were meeting friends for brunch at 10:15. Here is an example from a time this week when my emotions came out fighting and I had to sit in wonder and curiosity. When we sit in a place of wonder and curiosity, we learn more about ourselves. What are my thoughts about what is happening and why?.Labeling and naming the emotions also allows acceptance and gives you time and space to feel the emotion. This helps you to investigate the emotion more objectively and takes away some of its power. Label the emotion.īreathe and allow yourself to feel the emotions triggered by your primitive brain. Then label or name the emotion. This pause allows us to show up in a situation with calmness.ĭuring the pause, our rational brain can do a couple of things. It also allows our logical brain to determine how we are perceiving the information or situation. Pausing allows us to feel the emotion and then interpret it. Our rational brain is more logical and sound.
When we stop and pause, we allow those thoughts and feelings to catch up to our frontal brain, or our rational brain. The primitive brain triggers the fight-or-flight response in situations where we may feel hurt, upset, or threatened. This is the part of the brain in charge of taking care of us and keeping us safe. When we react immediately with volatile emotions of anger, hurt, or frustration, we are reacting from our primitive brain. We can learn to respond to conflict and hard times in a way that contributes to harmony, connection, and peace. I’ve created a five-step process that can help you manage your mind, master your emotions, and feel more peace in the midst of conflict. When you feel overwhelming emotion and you’re tempted to react impulsively: Pause whenever you’re about to react harshly and you’ll avoid doing and saying things you’ll later regret.” ~Lori DescheneĮver feel like you are living a life of chaos? Are you feeling overwhelmed and frustrated over these crazy past two years? When difficult things happen or conflict arises, it can be hard to feel peace. Our primitive brain’s fight-or-flight system may sense fear, anger, hurt, or embarrassment. All those emotions may cause our brain to want to automatically respond by fighting, saying mean, hurtful things or fleeing, escaping by turning inward and blaming ourselves for the whole situation.Įither coping strategy has its consequences. Fighting may cause hurt and harm to a relationship that is important to us, and fleeing can cause damage to our own heart and soul.
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